I lived it in my family — the dynamic of co-dependent dysfunction. The violence and frustration of the white man supposedly in charge. The suppressed compassion for others because of the collective lie that “everyone has it bad”. The attitude that life isn’t fair, so why mess with the Darwinic justice system of life? The turning a blind eye to injustices (within the family dynamic and in the world) so that things could continue as they were. Even when that “continuing” meant more dysfunctional co-dependency agreements and more dysfunctional and selfish patterns of behavior that hurt people within and without.

Collective White Co-dependency

Now, I am able to clearly see this pattern in America. We are the ultimate dysfunctional “Union.” Co-dependency is a game that white society plays, no matter the effect on people of color in our society. Our patterns of behavior are horrific. We will shield any wrong action by a white person as long as the white-power patriarchal paradigm holds — not all cops are bad, not all judges are power hungry, not all politicians are bought and paid for, not all priest are molesters, not all men are rapists, and the list goes on and on. White society will even sacrifice its children to this co-dependent game. And, most of all, society will make daily offerings of POC to the insatiable monster of co-dependency in all our societal, cultural and business structures.

All white people participate in Collective Co-dependence in various ways. Here a few that come to mind:

• We do it by thinking that we succeed at our jobs, and at life, merely because we work really hard. We refuse to equate what migrants do so we can have food on the table as the same kind of “hard work.” We rarely really look at how easy our path to success was and is, and how hard for others. It makes us feel too culpable.
• We participate in white co-dependency by “keeping the peace,” and by not speaking up to our relatives, friends, co-workers and local governments, when we see injustice and racism in our midst. It’s just too uncomfortable and we want to protect our membership in our families, our networks of friends, our companies, our communities. So often we don’t want to chance becoming the target of negative attention, so we “tip toe” around the offensive racists and bullies. We turn a blind eye to the systemic issues.
• We participate in white co-dependency by not checking in with our own biases and prejudice. We are all conditioned by our racist and sexist systems. It is the polluted water we swim in. All of us need to look at our own shadow aspects in order to bring this awareness to the surface, rather than pretending it doesn’t affect us. None of us are apart from it.
• We participate in collective co-dependency by not objecting to local and national systems and institutions that favor us and disfavor POC. We keep hoping for the hero out there that will change things, without us having to step forward to be that hero.
• We let POC risk their bodies for the rights they should inherently have. We saw this with the protests in Birmingham, and the Native American protests against big oil de-spoiling their waterways. And, we do this even as we shake our heads and agree “this isn’t right.” It is time that we risked more.
• We don’t adequately appreciate and vocalize how much diversity benefits our world. The Native Americans model how to live with nature and protect our most valuable natural monuments like the Grand Canyon and Monument Valley. People of color developed America’s most original music form: jazz. Without diversity we would be bland, inter-bred and eventually sterile. Let’s celebrate this more.
• We let POC be the scapegoats-focus of white dysfunction, anger, and domination. We think, “thank God it isn’t me,” just like the child who’s sibling gets all the negative attention from an abusive parent. We feel guilt and shame about it. Many of our own families have taught us how to respond. Distract yourself. Ignore it. Learn to justify the way it is, and never tell anyone about the family’s dirty secrets. Well, America’s dirty secrets are fully out and will continue to come out. How will we process what we’ve tried to not see for so long. What actions will we take in support of our brothers and sisters?

The micro is reflected in the macro. We are grown up. America is grown up now and it needs to start acting more mature. We need to do more to help ourselves and others to heal and to step out of the sick co-dependent dynamic so rife in our society with horrific consequences. With more clarity we can be more intentional about the America we are creating together. We can begin by being more intentional, more sensitive to the treatment of all our brothers and sisters.

It is way past time for us to step forward and engage new systems that work for the Whole. We must look at our individual roles in perpetuating this collective co-dependency. We must become collectively conscious. Only then can anyone truly be free to experience what it is like to belong to a truly functional human family. It may be our only chance to do this in our lifetime.

Melissa Wadsworth is a change agent and the author of Collective Manifestation: Heart-Centered Blueprints for Creating Intentional Community.